So I’ve been all depressed for the last week or so, a big part of it being trans related. Body, voice, history. I’ve been feeling kind of left out, kinda fake, because I don’t match the story I keep hearing repeated constantly. “I always knew something was different about me,” or “I knew I was X as far back as I can remember,” etc. I don’t share that experience, that history. I didn’t know I was a girl when I was younger, at least as best as I can remember. I don’t even think I grew up thinking something was “different” or “off” about me.
I was looking back through a document that I built up of memories and experiences that I felt related to my transness… I was only intending to do a quick browse, but I ended up reading all eight or so pages of it. My memory is terrible and my sense of time is even worse, so having a document like this, with dates and ages and such has proved very helpful to me several times, probably more so tonight than ever. It’s like a stable version of my memory. Things I wrote in it I don’t even have the original memories for anymore, just memories of the memory. It might be the most important document I have ever created.
But back on topic… my experiences go back further than I thought. I have been saying for years that puberty is when my life went downhill… it seems like that is pretty true. I have things dating back to at least 14 years of age and I had issues with puberty since the beginning, though everything really seems to have kicked up around 16 years of age. But even with all of that, all I had was a thought of, “Things would be easier if I was female,” rather than a thought of, “I am female.” The latter didn’t happen till I was 17, then it was buried, then it came back again around 2 ½ years later and stuck… though acceptance took a while on an emotional level… maybe I’m not even totally there yet.
I don’t want to be male, I don’t consider myself male inside anymore… I don’t want my male genetic code, my male body parts, the male hormones dominating my body. I don’t want to be perceived as male by society. I prefer female clothing, female pronouns and the female body. I don’t know what it feels like to feel like any particular gender, but if I had to pick from male or female for sex, I would pick female every time. If I had to pick from male or female for gender, I would pick female every time. But I don’t feel like I am anything… or if I do, I don’t know how to recognize it. I know I am me, but that is about as far as my emotions can take me. It’s the rational part of my mind that fills in the blanks, or tries to.
So what the hell am I?
You’re human, I’ve had a fairly similar experience on my journey. I’ve always had a horrible memory for retaining actual details (which has made therapy a million times harder to work through) and I didn’t have any distinct feelings of being trans until around 13-14 when I was plumbing the depths of my soul while sorting out my spirituality. I hit puberty around 10 yrs old and I know life totally went hell from there, I didn’t understand/recognize what was truly wrong, but things always felt “off”.
The only help I can really offer is to do everything in your power to get a group of close friends who support you and recognize you as female without question and then just give it time. I’ve been out to my family for almost 2 years and my friends for about a year and a half and only in the past few months have I finally been able to embrace me body as the imperfect, scarred masterpiece that it is. It may have male history, but it’s my body and it’s unique and beautiful.
Hope that helped in some small way! *hugs* <3 :3
This is me exactly. I love tumblr for letting me hear that I am not alone in my feelings. And I am always surprised how there can be people that feel the exact same way I do.
Yes. Thank god for Tumblr and other places like this online. I spent so many years thinking I couldn’t really be trans because my life didn’t match that story, and just trying to keep things locked away since there wasn’t any kind of understood narrative I knew of that fit me. So a community where there are other people like me is a godsend.